Hmmm....

So..... How to say this so it makes sense....
I've spent my whole life thining I wasn't pretty. I was always taller than other girls. I was always "bigger" than other girls. From my shoulders, to my breasts, to my butt. I have big eyes, a big nose, big feet. I have a strong chin. And I always thought that I wasn't pretty because of these things. So I change my clothes, my hair, my shoes, myself. Trying to feel what other people see. I'm always worried about eating, because I think I'm fat. So either I deny myself food, or I eat too much. It's been a struggle. And it's been hard.
So I made a resolution this year. So many women make resolutions to lose weight, or make money, get a better career. Don't get me wrong, these things aren't bad. They're great. But they aren't the goal I set for myself. My goal for 2011 was to be happy.... with me. To love and accept myself as I am. To not rely on others to feel good about myself. So I started exercising. Because I want to be healthy. Regular exercise is good for your heart. And I want mine to beat for a long time. I changed my eating. Once again, for health, not for weight. But I won't deny myself anymore because I'm terrified I'll gain weight. Nic and I went on a date to an Italian restaurant a couple weeks ago. And I was staring at all this wonderful amazing food, and I didn't feel guilty for eating it. I had pasta, and appetizers, soda and desert. And I didn't feel guilty. That night I cried, because for the first time, I didn't care.
When I was younger, I would go visit my relatives in Washington. And I loved going to my Aunts house. She was always so fun to be around. And she never cared what people thought of her. She was who she was. And anytime I said anything bad about myself she would say "Go to the mirror Kate, and say something nice". Every single time. So I've started doing that again. Telling myself positive things into my mirror (one that she gave me, that I still have). And I've been seeing things I just didn't notice before.
 My big eyes, they're my mom's.
And my big nose, it's my granny's.
My breasts; :) are something my relatives are proud of. Something people pay money for.
My big hips, something I've always been embarassed about, they're what my brother call "birthing hips". They supported my babies and made way for them to come into this world.
My big feet, are shaped like my Dad's, and they give me balance.
And my broad shoulders..... I've endured some hard things in my life. Things I wouldn't wish on anyone. My Heavenly Father knew that I would. And he gave me these broad shoulders to support the load that he knew I would have to carry.
I've spent my life, feeling ugly. And I've spent the last month, finally figuring out I'm not. The Lord made me what I am. He created me. And what He creates, can never be looked at as ugly.
This year is about reinventing myself. Not for others.. But for me. Not the outside, but what inside. To finally love myself, as I am. And to see what everyone else has always seen.
I. Am. Beautiful.

A little something to crow about...

So, as most of you may know, I am now an Independent Beauty Consultant for Mary Kay. And what an amazing company I am now in! I cannot begin to tell you what it has done for me. My whole life I have been someone with low self confidence and low self esteem. It's just who I was. But that is no longer the case. I am constantly surrounded by women who tell me I can! And no matter what I do (whether I sell something or not), they are there supporting me and cheering (literally) me one every step of the way. When I first entered this company I was afraid that I couldn't do it because I didn't know anything. But I am not alone. If I ever need anything, ANYTHING, there is someone ready and willing to help me. How many people can say that about their jobs? And the great thing is that this isn't even a job! This is my business. Mine! And in my business, I get to help women gain the confidence that they, and I, have lacked. This company is SO much more than makeup. It is about enriching women's lives. And I feel so blessed that I get to be a part of that.
This last weekend I had the opportunity to learn from an amazing woman in my company. Her name is Nina Elliott and she is a Future Executive Senior Director for Mary Kay. I gotta tell you, if you want someone to light a fire under your bum and inspire you, Nina is that someone. I learned SO much and I had a blast! And it was nice to see someone in this company that's like me. Tall, loud, a little crazy (good crazy), loves her food and goes crazy for shoes. I feel blessed to have been able to meet her. And I am determined that we will meet many more times. Because I am going to accomplish great things. Because I can.
And I'm also very blessed to have my Director in my life. Lori Packee is a cheerleader. She's always behind me believing in me every step of the way. And if I'm having a bad day. all I need to do is talk to her, and she inspires my day back up. I truly have been blessed. And I would like to show you pictures of these wonderful ladies. Because they are beautiful and deserve to be shown off. :)
But I also am very excited about my progress. I just signed my first recruit. And she is a gem. I tell ya. I'm looking forward to watching her grow and flourish in this company. Because I know she will. And I've now been bumped up from Consultant to Senior Consultant. YAY!! And another thing I'm very excited about is a prize I recently received. A pink freshwater pearl necklace. I don't ever want to take this thing off! Haha. I received this for "making star". That's when you sell a certain amount of product. There are different star levels, and in my first 6 weeks in the company, I did it!

Me and my wonderful new recruit Melanie.

The oh so beautiful Nina.

The amazing Lori Packee

My pearls...

My pin recognizing me as Senior Consultant.

My pin recognizing me as a Star Consultant.



Another cake..

So, Savannah told me what she wanted for her birthday cake this year. She wanted purple and blue, with Hannah Montana microphones and hearts. Well this is what I came up with. I had fun with it and Savannah really likes it. And thats what matters.

Christmas

Well I've got internet again, so I can post some Christmas pics. We had a nice Christmas. We spent it out at my Dad's house. Which I always love going to. It was a nice laid back day with awesome gifts, yummy breakfast and delicious dinner. I felt blessed to be surounded by my family. I was sad that 2 people were missing. Momma B and Grandma Flora. They were in Anchorage because Grandma needed open heart surgery. She did wonderfuly and they are now home. So we get to have another Christmas so we can exchange gifts with them. Always fun!

her sleeping bag

she did pretty good opening her presents

my new peacoat. :)

My companion...

I had a sad thing happen on Tuesday. My wonderful dog passed away. I've been really sad because of this. I never had dogs growing up. We were a cat family. I never really had a dog to call my own until a couple of years ago. We got Max. Our silly, stubborn beagle. And a little while later, we got Bella. A sweet, good tempered dog that I just loved. She was very gentle with Savannah. She was protective of our family. She was always excited to see us. She found herself a place in my heart.
I woke up Tuesday morning and she was sick. I didn't know what was wrong. She couldnt move, not even to lift her head. I tried putting liquids in her, and they all came back up. I was able to talk to a vet, and the vet told me what was wrong with her. She had something called pyometra. It's an infection in the uterus. And very costly to fix. I didnt have the money, and vets won't take payments. Isn't that sad? If left untreated, pyometra will cause kidney failure. By tuesday night she was having seizures. She kept moaning and I knew she was in a lot of pain. I made a hard decision. I knew she didn't have much longer. I was afraid that my daughter would have to wake up to a dead dog. I couldn't do that to her. So I made the decision to release her from her pain. I didn't have the strength to do it myself. My brother in law said he would. They live accross the street. And as I was carrying my Bella over, she passed away. As much as it hurts, I am glad that it was quick.
I do miss her being around. She was always so happy to see us. She loved to get attention. Bella wasn't just a pet. To me, she was a part of our family.

I know who I am.

This is probably going to be a bunch of spiritual rambling, but these feelings are so strong inside me that I need to get them out.
"I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter Day Saints". I sang that song to my primary class today as part of my lesson. And now my heart is full of emotion. The lord restored the church of Christ to the earth for me. For my family. He loves me enough to watch men, women and children suffer so that His church could be on the earth again. So we could feel it's fullness.
It sometimes blows my mind that He, a wonderful, perfect being, could love me. A sinner. An imperfect woman. I am full of so many faults. But I have a Heavenly Father that loves me in spite of that. He's there every second of every day. Wanting to guide me. Wanting to teach me. And all I have to do is listen. The Lord speaks to those who listen. I've missed his guiding light. I wasn't living as I should have been. But then I went to my knees and begged for help. For mercy. For forgiveness. I went before him with a humble heart and a contrite spirit asking for his spirit to be with me again. And he answered me. He told me to forgive those who hurt me. That can be so hard. But I've been commanded to do it. I was told to pay my tithing. And when I gave my envelope to the bishop today after such a long time, my heart felt warm. And I knew that he was pleased. I can feel His spirit all around me now. In my home.I am comforted to know that I am where I need to be. I weep for those who do not have that. For it is wonderful.

A time for thanks...

So the holiday season has begun! And this weekend I've spent time pondering what it is I'm thankful for. Most importantly, my little family. Nic and the girls. They are my everything. I have a good man. I'm very thankful for him. And my girls. They are my life. The reason for my existence. I thank the Lord everyday that he gave me these beautiful little souls to call my own. I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father. He guides me, leads me, and teaches me. He blesses me, and forgives me. He is a merciful God. A wonderful God. I'm thankful for my parents. They are imperfect, and sometimes crazy, but I know they love me. They have helped me and been there for me when I needed them. I'm thankful for my siblings. We don't always get along, but they are my family. I have the best brother ever!
And I'm thankful for friends. I don't have a lot of close friends. I'm thankful for my best friend. I can be cranky, mean and ornery at times. And she still let's me pester her. :) she's been there when I needed it. And always is around to help me, even when I don't deserve it. I am blessed with great thing and people in my life.