Hmmm....

So..... How to say this so it makes sense....
I've spent my whole life thining I wasn't pretty. I was always taller than other girls. I was always "bigger" than other girls. From my shoulders, to my breasts, to my butt. I have big eyes, a big nose, big feet. I have a strong chin. And I always thought that I wasn't pretty because of these things. So I change my clothes, my hair, my shoes, myself. Trying to feel what other people see. I'm always worried about eating, because I think I'm fat. So either I deny myself food, or I eat too much. It's been a struggle. And it's been hard.
So I made a resolution this year. So many women make resolutions to lose weight, or make money, get a better career. Don't get me wrong, these things aren't bad. They're great. But they aren't the goal I set for myself. My goal for 2011 was to be happy.... with me. To love and accept myself as I am. To not rely on others to feel good about myself. So I started exercising. Because I want to be healthy. Regular exercise is good for your heart. And I want mine to beat for a long time. I changed my eating. Once again, for health, not for weight. But I won't deny myself anymore because I'm terrified I'll gain weight. Nic and I went on a date to an Italian restaurant a couple weeks ago. And I was staring at all this wonderful amazing food, and I didn't feel guilty for eating it. I had pasta, and appetizers, soda and desert. And I didn't feel guilty. That night I cried, because for the first time, I didn't care.
When I was younger, I would go visit my relatives in Washington. And I loved going to my Aunts house. She was always so fun to be around. And she never cared what people thought of her. She was who she was. And anytime I said anything bad about myself she would say "Go to the mirror Kate, and say something nice". Every single time. So I've started doing that again. Telling myself positive things into my mirror (one that she gave me, that I still have). And I've been seeing things I just didn't notice before.
 My big eyes, they're my mom's.
And my big nose, it's my granny's.
My breasts; :) are something my relatives are proud of. Something people pay money for.
My big hips, something I've always been embarassed about, they're what my brother call "birthing hips". They supported my babies and made way for them to come into this world.
My big feet, are shaped like my Dad's, and they give me balance.
And my broad shoulders..... I've endured some hard things in my life. Things I wouldn't wish on anyone. My Heavenly Father knew that I would. And he gave me these broad shoulders to support the load that he knew I would have to carry.
I've spent my life, feeling ugly. And I've spent the last month, finally figuring out I'm not. The Lord made me what I am. He created me. And what He creates, can never be looked at as ugly.
This year is about reinventing myself. Not for others.. But for me. Not the outside, but what inside. To finally love myself, as I am. And to see what everyone else has always seen.
I. Am. Beautiful.